There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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