Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles

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(858): View more from California

God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.

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(214): View more from Texas

i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.

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(+65): View more from

My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood

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(416): View more from Toronto

Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress

(416): View more from Toronto

Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

The ass gains better be worth it

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