You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
