Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
