hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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