how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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