I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
