So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
