which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
