$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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