just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
being pregnant is like rehab
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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