Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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