I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
if only i could text you this smell
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
