community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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