My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I AM VODKA MAN
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
