I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
