the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
