I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
