We're facebook friends in real life
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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