I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Even my vagina gasped.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
