you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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