U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
