i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
