i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
So much Jack, so little girl.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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