Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
