is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
