I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
it was like eating out sand paper
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
