Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize