I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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