totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
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