I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
