I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
