If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
