Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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