I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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