she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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