sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just invented taco cereal.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
did you just send me my own nude
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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