It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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