btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
