I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
