they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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