saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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