Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
