im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
