dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
