I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
