remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
