Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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