ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
