did you get engaged???
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
