too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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