I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. š
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
You told him he ācould park his dick in your garageā.
Well he didnāt. It shouldnāt be this hard to get a penis.
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