Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Randomize