I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
